Everything We Can Still Become

Some choices seem like our own until we try to imagine making them without being able to tell anyone. A job we want suddenly loses its appeal if we fear it will not be considered important enough. We like the way we dress, then abandon it the moment we anticipate the judgment of those who know us. We would like to express an opinion, begin something new, or end a relationship that has become empty, yet before we even ask what we feel, we wonder how we will look in other people's eyes. This dependence on outside approval is not always obvious. We may think of ourselves as independent while organizing an important part of our lives around reactions that have not even happened. We anticipate disappointment, ridicule, disapproval, or misunderstanding, then behave as though those reactions were already real. The other person no longer needs to stop us; we have learned to do it in their place. This is how the gaze we once received can become an inner gaze. We no longer hear an outside voice telling us who we should be, because that voice has taken on our own tone. We say, “That isn't for me,” “It's too late now,” or “I'm not the kind of person who can do that,” without realizing that many of these conclusions do not describe who we are. They describe the boundaries within which we learned to remain recognizable and acceptable. The problem is not that we take other people into account. Living without ever allowing ourselves to be affected by a look, a criticism, or a piece of advice would not be freedom, but isolation. The difficulty begins when another person's view stops being one perspective among many and becomes the court before which we must continually prove our right to be who we are.

Our identity is not formed in isolation. We also learn to recognize ourselves through the responses of the people around us. A child who is encouraged while exploring may come to associate curiosity with something legitimate. Someone who is praised mainly for not causing trouble may learn that being lovable means adapting. Someone who receives attention only through achievement, availability, or obedience may begin to believe that personal worth must continually be earned. Not everything begins in childhood, and not everything depends…