When a Couple Works, but No Longer Feels Alive

There are relationships in which nothing apparently serious has happened. There have been no betrayals, no announced separations, and no conflicts capable of calling everything into question. The days remain organized, commitments are kept, the household runs, and decisions are made together. From the outside, and sometimes even in the eyes of those living it, the couple seems to work. Yet within that stability, a loneliness that is difficult to name may begin to make room for itself. It is not necessarily the desire to leave, nor the certainty that love is gone. It is the feeling that the person beside us has become increasingly present in managing life and increasingly unreachable in our emotional life.

We talk, but mostly to remind each other of something. We seek each other out, but often to solve a problem. We know the other person’s schedule, habits, food preferences, and the way they will react in a particular situation. That knowledge,…